Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Parallels

I'm a little lost right now. Charlie's mom is in the hospital. For the last few days we've been hearing from her sister Momma is likely to die at any moment. The first call, Irma (Charlie's aunt) was in tears telling us Momma is dying.

We've been stressing, trying to figure out how we can come up with the money to travel to El Paso before she passes. Charlie has been through hell... hardly sleeping and barely able to function in his fear and grief.

Then today I spoke with his brother who reminded me how many times we've been through this before... how Irma and Momma are much alike and how everything gets dramatized far behind reason.

After 3 days of talking to Irma, I don't know what to think.

I do believe it would do Momma good to see her son... but if we can find a way to visit her and she recovers, it will bring up questions about why we can find a way to visit but can't cover the expenses to bring her back to South Carolina with us.

Yes, that would actually happen.

When we explained to Momma it would cost a bare minimum of five grand to bring the house to code for a wheelchair bound woman plus the cost to travel, rent a uhaul, stay in a hotel until we pack her things and take all the necessary steps to travel with her, she said "Don't come. You and I can't afford it." In Momma and her sister's thinking, if we can visit... or come for a funeral, we could have found a way to bring her here to live with us.

Over in The Crew there have been recent posts about in-law family drama... it amazes me to still be dealing with it all these years later. 

Now it's Momma's sister telling us we've failed the family, not done our duty, let the matriarch down and left her feeling unloved by the children she's sacrificed for all the she years.

When we had the space and I had the physical ability to care for Momma, she refused to live with us. She chose to live with Charlie's brother to, as she put it, punish him for past personal offenses.

When dementia began setting in, Charlie's younger brother, who is mentally disabled after an aneurysm ruptured in 1994, convinced Momma that Jerry was stealing from her and so she ran away from home.... We couldn't take her in by that point as we no longer had the space or health... So she moved to Texas.

After a year, she wanted to come back... but it's simply not been possible and so the bitterness began again.

You just don't say no to Momma.

But Charlie should see his mom before she dies... whether it's this week or years from now. It feels petty to worry about family drama but I've seen, for all the years we've been married, what it does to my husband... all I want to do is protect him from unnecessary pain. 

Momma won't live forever... but I hate being drawn into the guilt trips and mind games...

My gut says we should get to Texas... but it also says, no matter what happens, Charlie is going to pay a heavy price.

I can't fix or control this situation and I don't know what to do next. 

Where do we go from here?