Tuesday, January 14, 2014

One Day

Editing the week's entries for The Crew, I'm reminded again that simply putting certain things in print doesn't render them harmless. Those words still affect me more than I want.

Sometimes putting things into print can be harmful, rather than helpful.

I want to reassure my Mum, Dad, my brothers and sisters that I love them. I hold no resentment or anger and long ago realized pointing fingers only gave an excuse not to be responsible for myself and my emotions. I do not now, nor have I ever wanted to hurt you in writing my story. Please know that.

It's possible I'll feel the need to make this disclaimer several times in the future. It's possible, in learning to forgive myself as I've forgiven my loved ones, the guilt driving the need to make apologies and remind them it's NOT THEIR FAULT will fade away.

That would be nice.

It would be nice to one day read my own long ago words without feeling the flush of shame creep up my chest and face. One day, I'll be able to edit those pages or simply look over them without the anxiety rash, like a flashing neon sign on my chest, making anything but t shirts unwearable.

And instead of one day, maybe today can be a day I take the time to grieve for my family, myself included, for all we had to endure.

And maybe today, instead of one day, it'll be okay to remember we all made it through. I've never known more fully how much I am loved and was always loved. Being different doesn't change that I am accepted, as I am, by the people who loved me even when I couldn't see or accept it.

Those long ago words... those long ago events... they can't change the now.

Today, I'll hold onto that.