Friday, January 3, 2014

Habitual Run Away

One of the hardest parts of reposting The Crew is reading it over again. It's more than the editing and more than looking at how different the writing is compared to today. The worst of it is feeling every emotion all over again.

If I take a step back, it's not as hard as it was then. The secrets and memories I didn't have access to at the time are mine now. There's less confusion and less need to fight the unhealthy coping tools I used then.

It would be a lie to say fleeting thoughts of self-injury don't drop in from time to time but that's all they are, fleeting thoughts. They aren't the sense of physical need they were then.

Just based on the anxiety and sadness which comes along with reading the old entries, it seems amazing there was ever anything close to a normal or healthy day in my house then. How the kids grew in all that insanity to be the oddball yet sane people they are is incredible.

I questioned yesterday if it wouldn't make more sense to suck it up, edit everything and toss it all online at once. I'm still tempted because I could have it finished in under a month instead of committing myself to something that could take another couple of years.

Maybe I can stick to the schedule then also post a bunch over the weekends.

I want to hurry this. It needs to go faster. Walking down memory lane like this is taxing. Spending the next few years on it seems too long... but trying to do it all at once would be less like ripping off a bandaid and more like dipping my brain in ultra crazy sauce.

Then again, for reasons it's not the right time to share, I abruptly stopped therapy and blogging in 2007... right in the midst of integration. It's one of the reasons I so often question if it's "real". I stopped talking to people. I was, without doubt, seriously depressed and, as I'd done so often before, I ran.

Taking this slowly is right. I'm certain of that. I can take one day a week to edit and schedule a week's worth of posts and not have to make it a part of my every day. I can take this as a therapy of its own by giving myself the chance to finish what I didn't finish before.

And I need to track down Lyn. If only to talk to her once more and apologize for dropping our meetings and never returning her efforts to reach me. That piece of unfinished business bothers me and will continue to bother me as I read more entries detailing my sessions with her.

Maybe 2014 can be the year I learn to stick around, mentally, emotionally and in all the various ways we stay connected with others.

Maybe 2014 can be the year I let all of me out of hiding.