Sunday, January 5, 2014

Anger: Part 1 or "There was going to be a coherent exploration of an emotion I actively avoid but then Stupid Stuff Happened"

Yesterday, put this tweet in my drafts for posting today:
Then a friend started posting about struggling with anger and I felt an opening for exploring the topic.

In between the posts and framing an outline in my head, Stupid Stuff Happened.

A well meaning but misguided person saw my annoyance at being included in a conversation that involved threats and name-calling. I asked all parties to remove me from a conversation to which I was not a willing participant.

Should have been problem solved... but the person who first added my name took my annoyance as feeling bullied. He then took it upon himself to make an effort at an unnecessary defense with "Now a sick woman is being harrassed".

And BOOM... a topic I'd planned to address from a calmer frame of mind became a SOMETHING TO VIRTUALLY YELL ABOUT before I said or did things which might cause harm to people I care about... Myself included.

That I was, behind my back and without my permission, discussed and described as above is an offense I can hardly describe. Put simply...


So rather than use this space today to explore the need to learn how and when to express anger, the difference between irritation, frustration and all the other euphemisms we use make actual anger more palatable, there's a need to vent.

In order to get to a place where I can safely explore my anger and how holding it in creates explosive situations, I need to let off some steam so I don't explode.

To hell with it. I'll explode.

WHO do you think you are to believe you are some knight coming to my rescue? Who appointed you my, or anyone else on the web's, protector? Do you have the slightest inkling how your actions have damaged YOU? You look like an asshole conspiracy whack job going on about teams of people and talking to those who have nothing to do with it just because they know people involved.

You've lost my respect and the beginnings of friendship.

Not the vent I'd like but it'll do. Truly don't have the time for more rage face. There are places to be and life to live.

Tomorrow, I'll remember to start writing BEFORE I check social media.

***1/6/14 12:44 pm***

Despite a lack of sleep and an unfortunate but necessary private... conference with yesterday's knight, I've found peace with it and let it go.

That's not to say what happened was acceptable to me. I can accept there is room for the quixotic in life but would prefer you double check the Damsel in Distress isn't really a sleeping dragon. Also, I'm pretty touchy about being minimized and seen as a weak thing in need of kid gloves or handling... which is so totally a rant for another day.

It would be noble (or at least something kind of noble sounding) to say the letting go is because I simply found a way to rise above. It would be nice to say that but wouldn't really be truth. Not given my need to publicly toss out a weird, thinly veiled, insult combining DCverse and classic literature.

The truth is I've accepted where much of this anger lies and the actions necessary to negate its power in my life. That too, is a rant for another day.

Maybe not rant but certainly an area to bring to light and openly address.

But first, I really want to talk about the Big Scary Anger Monster... but not while my eyeballs feel swollen and my head tilts uncontrollably to the right...

And "Anger" is probably not the appropriate title for this post. It should read more like "There was going to be a coherent exploration of an emotion I actively avoid but then Stupid Stuff Happened"

There, fixed it.

Just consider this entire post an impromptu bookmark torn from a list of Very Important Notes written on the back of an overdue bill.