Monday, February 27, 2012

"I Thought I Was Better"

That's a quote from second season Tara and the thought running crazily through my head last night.
The difference is I know the Crew didn't just go away and it isn't a switch that set off the panic.
It was just a black out. A brief blank in my day when something I should, and usually, would have remembered is instead a black hole.
I was in a fog of exhaustion Saturday. I've clearly been stressed to the limits. I often have moments when I don't recall a conversation. In almost every such case, I was doing something like writing during the conversation and my attention was divided.  When I'm writing, I can't just snap away from my train of thought and by the time I do, the person has already spoken several sentences. This is common. This, I'm used to happening.
Saturday, one of Rachel's school mates from Coker came to the restaurant. Someone I've met before. We spoke. I identified myself as Feathers Mom. I served her order.
I remember nothing of this.
Usually, there is some spark of recognition. Some sense that yes, this happened but slipped my mind.
Not this time. I got nothing. Zip, zilch, nada.
It's too much like being filled in after a switch.
Charlie said not to worry. His words were enough to stem last night's mounting panic... and it doesn't seem so huge a thing after a night of sleep... but I thought I was past completely blacking out. Why something so harmless as a conversation?
It scares me. I don't have the time or energy to even explore why it scares me so... but it's a deep, almost unconscious fear.
I've grown used to owning each minute of the day. Good or bad, I'm present for each one. I don't have to send in the troops to manage the daily stresses of life or a surprising tide of emotion. Those moments are mine to experience. I fought hard to get here.
I can't let life's circumstances take that away again. But the what ifs have got me...
Dear God, enough already. Please let me rest.