Sunday, May 29, 2011

There's Always a Price

In my recent online silence, I've been struggling to poke around inside and break down some self-imposed walls. I'm getting there but find it leaves me a little too raw for comfort... Not that I expected comfort... but jeez.

The sarcasm Machine is firing on all cylinders and I've had to bite my lip to keep from saying wildly inappropriate things so often, it's practically a food group by now.

From Twitter: IAmTheCrew Marisa Feathers
DS1 called me J Bieber. DS1gf said I'm prettier than Bieber. I said I also have a bigger dick. -why I usually have an internal censor.

*sighs* I'm usually much better about keeping such things in my head then giggling after I walk away. It doesn't help that Daniel's girlfriend responded to my comment by asking if she could live with us. *facepalm* It's not exactly how I want to go about keeping my "Cool Mom" status.

My head is noisier than it's been in a long time. The weird part is, it's not the voices that make me think "oh, that's Stephanie" or "That's Reese."... it's the words that make the distinction. It all pretty much sounds like me. I'm not sure I like that. I miss the chatter of the girls but when it's just me I kinda wish I could tell myself to shut the hell up.

Oy, that made no sense.

I'm confused. Where my energy the last couple of years has been (unintentionally) directed at keeping my emotions under wraps and maintaining an even keel... these days it seems I'm too busy feeling to do anything else. I want balance. I need balance.

The only way to find it is to stop shutting myself down, accept the emotions, express them and keep on keeping on. I won't find balance if all I do is teeter from one extreme to the other.

Writing is especially difficult lately. Too much of what goes through my head is judged (by my own weird standards) as too whiny, too angsty, too angry or simply too scattered and confused. I like making sense. I like opening with a hook, saying something somewhat relevant and ending with something that wraps it all nicely into a bow... and that's not happening. It probably won't happen until I let go and let things flow.

For now, I just have to keep trying... however messy it seems.