Friday, April 8, 2011

Frustration

Was intending to do a companion post all about Levia (The Wall) but can't get focused.

Some of the handwriting from the last few days has disappeared. It was for a post about the first time Reese intentionally talked to the church group and the last post covering Feburary of 1999.

I hate when this kind of stuff happens. There was a time when Reese truly believed that if it was important to her, it would be the one thing to fall apart or be ignored. Seems everytime she screwed up the courage to talk to Lyn or Crane, something would come up and she'd miss her chance.

I can't tell if losing the papers I HAD MY HANDS ON 4 HOURS AGO is part of some self-fulfilling shoot-myself-in-the-foot thing or if it's an irritating coincidence.

On a random note, IE doesn't run the spell check in blogger posts and I'm now consumed with paranoia about the lack of squiggly red lines I need to check back on later.

I asked Pat once if she could help me fill in the blanks. She gracefully and kindly declined... an event that sent me spinning off into the shame spiral until I nearly made myself sick. Being reminded how much my illness affected others... knowing Pat was not at peace with it tore my heart out. I've asked another friend very much involved at the time and am trying to patiently wait for the answer.

It would probably be better to stop flipping out over some lost writing... but it took such effort to wring it from my memory and onto paper the first time. I really don't have the energy to try again tonight.

I could move on... but not really looking forward to the next year of time to cover. By this time in 2000 I was pretty much not talking to anyone from church and The Crew had gone into hiding.

Maybe it's time to screw up my courage and go back through the original blog hard copy. Some of what was written then may shed some light on what's so obscure now.

or I'll have that margarita Charlie keeps offering.