Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Season of Letting Go

Our pastor has been teaching a lot in the last few weeks about expecting the unexpected. Earlier a friend posted in his status: "when you ask for God's Will to be done, expect that it won't be what you expected". So appropriate for right now in my family's life.

Oh, warning... rambling ahead.

For me, some of the unexpected is in realizing how much letting go of things there is to do. The house, my kids growing up and moving out on their own, the possibility of kids not just moving to other states for school (eventually) but knowing Rachel is planning a 2 year mission trip that could quite possibly take her to other countries. Daniel will be entering high school (at long last) in the fall... John is facing changes that will affect us all.

I'm still growing up. That's obvious.

I'm a bundle of nerves about tomorrow's walk-through and meeting our potential land lady. I'm an even bigger bundle of nerves about John's spelling Bee. You know, that silly kid didn't even tell us they were having one. He just came home crowing about taking first place for the school.

He's been having such a rough time lately. Over the winter break we had to sit him down and explain that if things didn't begin to improve, we would have to consider an inpatient treatment program. His outbursts were getting more and more violent.

Then this morning, after raising my voice at both boys for growling at me when I asked for the third time they acknowledge their alarm clocks and get out of bed... John came to me after getting dressed and apologized. "I set the alarm early because I want Daniel and I to have enough time to both take a shower and get dressed... but I stayed up too late last night and didn't want to get up this morning. That was my fault and I'm sorry. I'm going to try going to bed earlier tonight so that doesn't happen again. I'm sorry I was grouchy and rude."

Wow.

It's not the first time he's taken responsibility for his actions. Realizing he'd reached a place where Dad and I were beyond our ability and understanding seems to have made something click. He's recognizing more and more that his actions affect not just himself but others and his emotional state when upset isn't an excuse to be rude or hateful. But something about his handling of this morning left me in awe. I know adults incapable of explaining themselves and apologizing the way he did today. And he did so knowing that his behavior or admitting to his behavior didn't lessen his worth. He hugged me, I told him I was proud of him and he went off to what ended up being a really good day at school. A rarity on days when the morning starts out badly.

He's really growing up. I'd better get used to treating him like a young man rather than the baby of the family... especially considering Dad's taking him out to purchase a 1 year anniversary gift for his girlfriend. *face palm* I don't have the energy to go into that tonight.

Arugh... trying to get into the habit of writing with some regularity but having little success with coherent posts. I'm kind of a stickler for the beginning, middle and end style of writing...

There is so much going through this melon of mine... it's going to take time and practice to improve at putting it into words worth reading. There are plans and goals for this year I'd like to discuss... stories about the kid's younger years to share... manic ramblings about the process of moving to pour out... but pushing myself usually backfires... so I'll let go for now.

It's good practice.