Sunday, January 16, 2011

It Works Both Ways

I'm so very tired.

I also feel guilty complaining about being so tired... because seriously... so much in the last week has gone so RIGHT and with such beauty and grace, I shouldn't have any complaints at all.

Should... such a crappy, guilt-inducing word.

One of these days I'll remember that when I'm exhausted and my defenses are weak, THAT's when I need to go the extra step to offer grace to others... despite the unfairness of it never working like that in my favor. *rolls eyes*

Also trying to accept the reality that some people will always demand a level of respect and blind obedience they have not earned... some people will have double standards about apologies and accountability and no matter how emotionally gratifying it would be to never give an inch to such people, the reality is that it does me harm... it's that whole resentment thing all over again.

Seriously, if you expect me to sit quietly while you tell me how wrong I am, don't interrupt and turn it back on me when I explain how you added to the conflict. Don't tell me to be a grown-up when you refuse it yourself.

RAWR

This was not meant to be the direction of this post... but then bottling it up is what leads to episodes like this morning's... better out than in... even if I don't like the way it comes out. That's what blogging is for. I write so I don't kill people.

It's rather tempting to whine to God that it would be nice to get past this move before reminding me how much resentment still needs to go... but then, that would be like asking to remain in chains a little longer. Kinda stupid really.

But... but... *sighs* can I at least ask... wait, no... I know I can ask anything...

Can I please receive a break from military rigidity, subtle blame games and belittling assumptions until my body has had a chance to rest and recover? I will not disobey You, Father... but I might slip and suggest someone stick his head up his butt and jump.

And that would not be helpful at all.