Wednesday, November 3, 2010

What to do, what to do

I hate not smoking. There, I said it. I think I hate not smoking maybe even a little more than I hate smoking.

Okay, maybe not more... but more than 2 months into this and i still can't go more than a couple of hours without thinking about a smoke.

It doesn't help that I've achieved the 'average' amount of quit-smoking weight gain and grown right out of my clothes... the size that has fit well since John was born... the size that has been, on occasion, a little loose is now choking me. That constant pressure brings up a whole other set of bad habits I miss.

One of FB friends has been on a weight-loss journey for the last year or so. He's done quite well... but I see pictures of him now and wonder why the hell he's still trying to lose weight? and then I remember the pleasure of the accomplishment and get jealous. He posts his food and exercise journals and all of his other weight-loss trials and I have to admit to wanting to tell him to screw off. Though I think hiding him from my feed is probably the better option. It's not his fault I'm so bothered by it.

And I have to keep telling myself that smoking is NOT a healthy or recommended form of weight control... That's what my Mum said when she started smoking again when I was in my tween years. "I'm only doing it to help me lose weight." She quit again a couple of years later... I never did. At least not before Charlie and I got married.

It's the MDD season again and over the last few weeks I've been more inclined to fall into it than to fight it. THAT is not an option... but I am tired... so freaking exhausted. I want someone to tell me that major depression doesn't have to be a part of my whole life. I know that's not true... but the lie would be nice to hear anyway. Maybe one day I won't have to worry about upping my medication or trying to find something new or how are we going to pay for it... I hate resorting to scheduling every moment of a day so I don't zone out in front of the computer or hide under the covers.

Time was, I could turn on the radio or some CD's and sing my way out of the clouds enough to make fighting more of a positive challenge than a chore. Charlie is officially retired and it's rare that he and Becka's family are all out at the same time. I don't get alone time during school hours anymore and I can't let loose in front of others. Stupid excuse, yeah... but it is what it is.

I want to write more... to come to some positive conclusion... some plan to jerk myself out of this melancholy... but not today. I will say I have made arrangements to get myself out of the house and spending time with other people for tomorrow. At least that's a start.