Monday, May 24, 2010

Ramblings

So... my 20 minute interview is taped. I've seen it, managed not to chew a hole in the inside of my cheek while watching and have promised myself to leave it as is to send.

Also trying to congratulate myself for letting it be. So not my style. I like to pick myself apart way too much.

John's interview will have to be redone. He spoke so quietly or so fast he was hard to understand. I think we'll do the rest of them in the garage where there are no fans, fish tanks or other stuff to create a loud background hum. John will enjoy this and I'm certain will make a reference to "Man Cave" in the second interview.

The requirement that applicants keep down the background noise is a difficult one.

The idea of not 'fidgeting' is laughable at best. Krys, Becka, Rachel and I all talk with our hands. Krys and Becka to the point I believe they'd be rendered mute if they ever lost use of their hands. While watching my interview, I complained about the amount of hand movement visible onscreen. Charlie said, "Considering it's you, that's pretty good." Turkey. Apostle Baker once jokingly commented to the congregation that he didn't think it possible for me to be still. So, okay... I guess given the situation and the pressure of the whole thing, it wasn't too bad.

I'm hands off this project from here out unless Charlie wants me there for his taping. I'm willing to do the exterior tour... but the less I'm involved from here out, the less my stupid anxiety can affect everyone. I trust them to speak from their hearts. Que Sera, Sera, right?

Today is going to be pretty low key. I haven't really been in the garden in the last week, though I did rip up some honeysuckle behind the fence yesterday. I'm paying for it today so will take the hint. Maybe a shark tooth excursion would get me outside without too much physical strain. I've tried walking... bores me to tears. It's like I have to feel I'm actually accomplishing something immediately visible or it isn't worth the moving.

Meh... it's thundering. Guess outside is no longer an option. Maybe Charlie and I can work in the garage or something.

Working on a song with Rachel... Corny as interpretive or signed worship can be... "Never Alone" by Barlowgirl seems made for it... and I think it can be done in a powerfully moving way. The older folks at church are simply going to have to get used to the Drama team using contemporary music.

I'm a little worried about how John will take the news that he's likely to repeat sixth grade. He's certainly intellectually capable but was nowhere near prepared emotionally for the challenges of middle school. As much as he'll hate it, I hope he will be able to see it from Mom and Dad's point of view... he'll be able to start the year fresh, with an education plan tailored for him. They couldn't do that before we had the diagnosis. He'll have the summer to enter counseling and begin the process of learning new ways to adapt and deal with his emotions... he seems almost entirely unable to assume the words of his peers are ever intended as anything but a jab. His stormy relationship with Daniel doesn't help this. I understand how hard it is for Daniel, sharing a room with John. Daniel is the quietest and least chaotic of all of us. John's need for clutter in the room drives him crazy. Daniel's need to lock John out when Kalynn calls makes John crazy too. Neither of them realize that with or without the extra people in the house, they can't have rooms of their own unless we get a bigger house. I can only pray for that possibility.

The meeting with the pastor and his wife went well. I'm reminded again that certain (rigid/military) personalities tend to bring out the rebellious and irritable child in me. I need to have more patience and take the time to look for the best in the pastor instead of assuming the worst. Talking with him, it was much easier to see where he's coming from and what his heart means, despite his words. We've all committed to talking more often, especially about the youth. We cover worship stuff on Sunday mornings before service... I'm willing and able now to see these meetings as the Pastor and Worship leader seeking to be on the same page rather than his way of making sure I'm not stepping out of line.

I hate admitting how much growing up there is still to do.

Rachel and Craig broke up last week. I saw it coming months ago but hoped it wouldn't be necessary. I think it best though. She's got to learn to compromise and he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet instead of swaying to the opinions of others. When the problems started months ago until they made their decision to part, it seemed, to me at least, to be variations on the same theme. When an issue arises, she approaches it like a pitbull and he, like a rabbit. Until they can learn to communicate through things... it's best they stop living an imaginary relationship. Charlie and I are proof that opposites attract... but... meh. I won't say any more. I just pray they can work things through personally before they try things together again, if at all.

Charlie told me he can't watch United States of Tara with me anymore. It's gotten too real and close to home this season. I don't blame him... but watching it is helping me to... unlock... examine... feel some things I've avoided since integration. I hope to get to a point of being able to really write about it again.

It's no coincidence I've written more this month than any previous month since starting this blog. The unleashing of grief the other night was something I've needed for a very long time. Now it's happened, I hope to keep things from building to that point again. Life is easier when I can dump the emotional and mental overflow to print. I miss the feedback from the old days of writing... but the writing alone still helps.

So with no real purpose or subject... I'll try to sit down more often and use this available outlet.