These reports for GMTI (Bible/Missionary school)are kicking my behind. I was a lousy student in school. Never knew when to keep my mouth shut, enjoyed entirely too much questioning of authority and doctrine/accepted theory(this made me especially frustrating for my Catechism and Confirmation teachers) a total lack of interest in study outside the confines of the school building and a particular delight in anything in word or deed that might make the teacher squirm and my classmates laugh (even if said laughter was at my expense or was the kind that comes when people are too shocked for any other reaction) I have to acknowledge that despite a greater degree of self-control, not much has changed since my school years.
Yes, I love my run-on paragraphs.
In the grade eight yearbook, my English teacher wrote "Don't conform too much in high school." Sarcasm... the language of the perpetually annoyed.
I have two reports due in under four hours and have only just begun the in depth research needed. These reports must be delivered orally and last eight to ten minutes each. For me, that's about four pages of single spaced, 14pt Times New Roman typing.
Here I sit, last minute looming, melting in a stifling bedroom, lukewarm coffee to my left, research scattered about the desk and desktop screen... blogging.
I've not yet figured out the particular combination of procrastination and self-doubt that drives my insistence to take everything down to the last possible moment... but even this moment of introspection is fueled more by the desire to put off the inevitable than to look inward at what cracked cogs make me tick. There is a basic fear of creating anything to be submitted for grading, critique, assignment of value or judgment by others that makes me seek to avoid, avoid, avoid.
Even knowing the outcome, I avoid.
I'd love to write the post-in-progress comparing fire ants and their stings to the words of the all-too-often-poisonous words of edification and correction that raise so many spiritual welts... but I have reports to write.
I guess I'll have to put it off til later.
It's 5:02 pm and class starts at 6. One report is complete. The other is still in pieces. *sighs* So typical. No excuses... Until I found inspiration for the completed report, I struggled with getting behind the subject of the one that is yet to be completed. I will do it tonight when the house is quiet so it can be handed in tomorrow. At least I can say my focus was relatively undisturbed. I'm not going to kill myself to get it done tonight. I'd rather save what's left of my energy to pay attention and be a good little student in class.