Seeing Crane today for the first time in a year or so...
Part of the reason is medical. It's been 9 months since I've taken anti-depressants and while I love the lack of annoying side-effects, I often wonder if it's a worthy trade. My gut says yes and I'm inclined to follow my gut. Crane knows me better than any other doctor and can help me sort through the pros and cons of continuing without an SSRI.
With or without an SSRI, I'd very much like an anti-anxiety medication. I've proven myself in the last 7 years not to abuse those things. One of the results of all the running of recent years is I'm scared to death of nearly everything. I'm in a constant state of some degree of panic and no longer have the energy to keep fighting it alone. I'm simply not confident I can get through this without chemical back-up.
I need the accountability Crane has always provided. It's more than wanting someone to talk to. I have that in the friendships I've come to trust as true. It's knowing he knows me well enough to be blunt and to gently steer me into looking at the crap I've developed the habit of avoiding.
I'm taking 4 weeks to decide about the anti-depressants. In those 4 weeks I need to:
create some degree of routine for myself that includes, house, garden, regular meals and exercise.
develop a strategy for dealing with panic that doesn't include hiding in my room.
call and talk to Mum and at least 1 sibling.
write something in this blog at least once every 48 hours.
see Crane again at the end of the 4 weeks.
It's doable... and it will happen.