Monday, May 18, 2009

Imprimatur

"and I've held out as long as I can. Now I'm letting go and holding out my hand."

It's frustrating to realize in some things, I simply have to start over. There had been the hope that I was past the "I/me/my" stage of blogging... but choices were made and so here I am again. It's not 2 years wasted... the lessons learned in running away may have been a lot more painful than if I had faced the problems... but they're valuable and will serve as a reminder of where I've been.

Nothing to do but accept it and keep moving forward.

Reese once wrote a contract with herself. I can't access it at the moment as it's all on a harddrive Charlie has not had the chance to retrieve. It's probably best... This needs to be mine.

So, today I make these promises to myself:

- I will take responsibility for my choices, emotions and thoughts... and mine alone.
- I will write with freedom... what, when and how I choose. I will do so publicly.
- I will not wall off my heart.
- I will recognize that boundaries and walls are not the same thing. I can love a destructive person without allowing that person to negatively impact my life.
- I will continue to respect the Crew and to seek out the lessons and echoes of each of them in my life.
- I will not be afraid to talk about the Crew. Without them, I'd have never made it this far.
- I will remember that forgiveness is not an emotion.
- I will allow myself to feel anger but will not use it as a weapon or excuse.
- I will be responsible for knowing where to draw the line between reasonable anger and bitterness.
- I will recognize that my choices brought me here and my choices will bring me out.
- I will be true to my God, my Savior, my ethics and myself and will not compromise them for anyone or thing.
- I'll listen to those alarm bells and that wonderful bullshit-o-meter. Ignoring them to 'keep the peace' only delays the inevitable.
- I will speak up.
- I will not be afraid to admit to pain.
- I will allow myself to be vulnerable without expecting an impossible degree of trust.
- I will love... even those it's hard to like.
- I will say no when it needs to be said and believe I have the strength to face the conseqences.
- I will respect my body, listen to what it says and provide for its needs... no matter the momentary wants.
- I will respect that being 'one' and being healed are two entirely different things. There is still a journey to finish and I will do so with honesty and integrity.
- I will not run away again.

Imprimatur

Yeah, I like that.